How to Approach Women Comfortably – 9 Tips

Can you keep your composure without getting fazed by her “perfect” looks and the sweet sound of her voice? Do you stride or trudge across the room to deliver your prepared opener?

Often a mere thought of approaching a girl you don’t know cripples and makes you anxious. You rush to look for some tips online, but dating gurus shout to be confident. You take that at its face value and “build” some confidence, which in reality is a fragile scaffolding around a derelict building.

We tend to fake our confidence – it shields our vulnerable parts. “Fake it until you make it” might be a reasonable approach. But imitated confidence usually seeps through your skin when you approach women. A trembling voice and a candid body language reveal the counterfeit. A conversation with a girl you like can quickly strip off the protective husk, baring the sacred parts of your character.

Prefer comfort to confidence. Stay congruent with yourself and confidence, along with decisiveness and assertiveness, will follow. Forcing confidence creates ingenuine and incongruent behavior that women notice from far away. Approach women comfortably and the rest will follow.

Watch Your Body Language When You Approach Women

If you only got a second to scan this article, remember the most important takeaway:

Body talks! Often conveying more than your tongue!

Body language is the oldest language of all! It’s blunt and candid. It speaks your thoughts, transcends your mood, and elicits similar emotions in others!

Your gait, stance, gestures, and facial expressions make up its vocabulary. Suppressing its speech will drain you at least or backfire in the worst case.

Stand Straight

Loose shoulders, straight neck, and raised chin make up attractive posture. A good posture reflects your positive internal state and radiates comfort and confidence. It also affects your attitude of mind.

Slouching, crossing your arms, and dropping your chin displays doubt and uncertainty. Perfect posture pounds that enemy within, leaving it no chance to jeopardize your attitude of mind.

When there is no enemy within, the enemy outside can do us no harm.

The real battlefield is in your head! It sabotages every interaction you ought to have with a girl. You will defeat yourself before your enemy will even reveal his sword! So stand straight and hold your chin up.

Stop Fidgeting

Fidgeting demonstrates hesitation and indecisiveness. Females of any kind usually seek out the opposite in males. And they do so by looking at honest signals such as predictability of movements and fluidity of gestures.

Stay calm and move in predictable ways. Not only she will perceive your comfort as confidence but will reciprocate with one as well.

Embrace the Eye Contact

Don’t stare. Don’t intimidate. It’s not an eye contact contest. Fixate your gaze and accompany it with a smile. Convey your comfort with solid eye contact.

When you approach a girl you don’t know, the solid eye contact might give you a window long enough to convey your attractive traits.

Watch Your Vocal Tonality

How we talk matters as much as what we say. As comedians say, delivery carries more humor than the actual joke. Poor delivery can obscure the gist of the intended thought. A timid and trembling voice has never been listed as one of the attractive traits a man can have.

Seeking Rapport With People

A majority of people inflect the ending of their utterance. It turns a declarative sentence into a question or an approval-seeking sentence. Instead of finishing strong, we tend to embellish the ending with a cadence:

how are yOUUU??

it has been NIIIICE…

oh no you’re FIIINE….

my name is JOAAAAN…

In a quest to comfort others we try to alleviate the rising tension. In some cases, it helps to avoid confrontation. But every time we omit the full stop at the end of an utterance, it leaves daunting doubts within us.

Every phrase comes with a connotation. When we inflect the ending, it connotes hesitance and approval-seeking behavior.

Seek approval from other people and you will forever be their prisoner!

People of higher authority tend to have this effect on us. That could be a belligerent boss at work inquiring about the completion of a task. Or an intimidating cop asking for identification.

Attractive women affect us in the same way. We tend to put them on a pedestal, softening our voice, sounding timid and repelling them as a result.

Neutral Rapport

This is a flat talk with no cadence. You finish the utterance the same way you started with no inflection in the voice. While less validation-seeking, it gets boring very soon, because it doesn’t elicit emotions.

If you struggle with seeking-rapport, start by shifting to neutral.

Breaking Rapport

The inflection shifts to the beginning:

Stay where you are!

Freeze and don’t move!

Take this bag!

Think of an imperative mood. By default, it’s in breaking rapport. Notice the cadence at the beginning of each sentence. While it could sound aggressive, it puts you in a position of authority. Though in a work environment, it can escalate into a confrontation.

I encourage quitting 9-to-5s, but only on YOUR terms. But, even with your boss, the inflection within a compliment is still appropriate.

A Few More Tips on Voice

• Project your voice from the diaphragm

• Engage your strong chest resonator – speak from the bottoms of your lungs

• Inflect the beginning of an utterance

Your natural timbre, when unleashed, will help you sound confident and attractive when you speak!

Calibrate and Observe Closely

Calibrating is not reacting. It’s watching her reactions and adjusting your moves. Watch her mood, process, calibrate, and respond. Don’t react. Nobody is fond of overly reactive people.

Don’t try to change her mind, change her mood!

If she pulled away after a friendly tap on the shoulder, don’t try again until you evoke a positive emotion with a quip. If she is hesitant, pause and take a step back. It’s a bad time to ask for a phone number either. Add some wit or crack a joke. Then try again.

No Cheesy Opener

Likely to evoke a laugh, they are getting cliche and, unless invented by you, show no personality. “Excuse me” is what I use the most. But any attention grabber, properly inflected and, followed with a compliment, will work.

Sudden eye contact can instigate a spontaneous conversation. Having no time to come up with something unique, you often have a second to utter “Hey” with a warm smile. Or improvise with “This is a very interesting….”, while still thinking of a garment you’re complimenting her on. Start uttering sounds hoping that your improvisation is on point today.

Timing is more important than the phrase. “Excuse me,” said at the right time is way better than a stellar quip delayed by an hour! A memorized cheesy pickup line, poorly delivered in autopilot mode, defeats its purpose. Speaking of which,

I’m not a photographer, but I can picture me and you together…

or

Is there an airport nearby or is it my heart taking off?

Assume the burden for the conversation

Instead of focusing on starting a conversation, concentrate on carrying it through. Although women are savvier at communicating, don’t expect her to open up right away. Rarely will you hit it off on the first try.

Most of the time you will have to assume the burden for the conversation, at least for the first few minutes. During this time you will need to crank the conversation a few times.

Be Selective and Scan for Desired Traits

Nowadays guys are too nice and women became blasé about it. We rarely challenge a girl, ridding her of the opportunity to enjoy a playful chase.

In an ideal world, a girl wants a guy with options, someone experienced and popular among women who will pick her out of many options available to him.

A “loyal” man, exclusive with her due to a lack of other options, doesn’t elicit feelings of attraction in her. As a result, men who can have many other women are found more attractive. Add loyalty to that persona and you get a “full package” so desirable for women.

But how can they tell from a mere conversation?

A man with scarce female attention holds back when expressing himself. He is loath to challenge her and scared to offend. Dreading to lose her, he avoids confrontation. A man with many options can afford to be selective. And women gravitate to that. All these honest signals are transparent to a mature and savvy girl.

So how to scan for desired traits?

Write down the traits you’re looking for in a girl. For example:

• Apart from being attractive, she must love reading, preferably on topic X. Because then I can enjoy discussing with her Y and Z.

• Besides knowing how to style her hair and apply make-up, she needs to be athletic, exercising regularly.

• Other than being humble, she needs to have a sparkling personality and be a good conversationalist

Scan for these traits: in every interaction. Keep it subtle and try to imply instead of bluntly stating.

“I like your fluffy yellow scarf. You probably like to be cozy…”

“I do…”

“So you love lying on a couch for several days in a row binge-watching disney cartoons?”

“No!!!” she responds with giggles, “I am actually very active…”

“Oh cool. Active like sports, right?”

“Yes, I play water polo.”

“Interesting. I like thrilling sports. So how else you entertain yourself besides drowning your rivals in water?”

…

You lured her to start listing her interests in a fun way. You can then hook to her interests and scan for the desired traits by praising what you prefer. Get the idea? Later in the conversation, You can mention:

“If you mention Malcolm Gladwell one again, I am gonna fall for you. I admire that dude.”

“What a cocky guy,” she might feel, “he dares to tease and be selective. He probably has standards and many options.” Eager to learn more about you, she gets curious and interested as a result. Being selective is one of the most attractive traits a man can have.

Make the Conversation Format Relevant

If you don’t deliberately steer the conversation in the amorous direction, it will stagnate in a platonic bog. From there it’s a quick road to Friend Zone. Make it relevant. Convey in one way or another that you’re considering taking her on a date.

When we approach women, we tend to play it safe by being too timid and nice to avoid rejection. This kills all the chase, tension, and attraction. She will participate, but out of politeness. Be polarizing instead. Take risks and get rejected early, rather than ramble incessantly.

Get Physical When Approaching Girls

Start early, as soon as the first minute of the conversation. Start small. Tiny advancements:

• Tapping her on a shoulder while sharing some laughter

• Hugging to praise her

• Removing dust particles from her shirt

If you find her attractive, you will want to get sexual at some point, right? Why not move with tiny steps, rather than wait to make one huge leap that will freak her out and ruin all your chances? Make her comfortable with your touches early on.

Plan the Exit Before You Even Approach

We all, from time to time, get stuck in conversations that seem to be going nowhere. Nobody, including the girl you just approached, wants to get into one. Convey to her that this conversation isn’t going to be a boring ramble.

Start suggesting a meetup early on. Offer coffee with witty banter some other day. I have a habit of proposing an instant date assuming she shows explicit signs of interest. After she rejects (8 times out of 10), I follow up with a smaller proposition that I wanted in the first place:

“Ok, let’s exchange numbers and do it another day.”

By “settling” for another day, I reinterpret her declining the offer as an agreement to have it another day. In this case, I skip her approval for a date and go straight for a phone number.

However you decide to do it, suggest, or at least mention having coffee together before asking for a number. Get her to agree on meeting in the future. Because then exchanging numbers is necessary to discuss time and location for a date.

If mentioning “coffee together” scares you, start by testing her compliance with simple requests. See how receptive she is with you asking to hold your phone for example. The ultimate goal for approaching a girl is to convey your attractive traits and schedule the first date! Snatching her number helps with that.