If Nice Guys Finish Last, Where Good Guys Stand
Women love bad boys! Evolutionary psychology wired them this way. They associate bad boys with strong genetics.
They may not like it. They may not like the bad boys, but they gravitate toward that kind of behavior. They may not choose to be with one, denying everything stated above, but the attraction is not a choice. Neither it is something within their control or influence! Evolutionary psychology overwrites everything!
Let’s talk about the difference between a nice guy, a good guy, and a bad guy.
Who is a Nice Guy
For clarity reasons, I will speak in absolute terms. To paint the portrait of an iconic nice guy, let’s outline the most common characteristics.
An extreme case of a nice guy is a people-pleaser. He complies with the demands of others and puts their interests before his own. He suffers as a result. He is so agreeable that he can’t even find his true desires inside himself anymore. He is usually in great denial.
Acting nice toward others regardless of their behavior. Making others feel good is more important than his own emotional well-being. This self-sacrifice, though appearing voluntary on the surface, has deep psychological issues. The suppressed desires will backfire in the most unexpected way later in a relationship.
He avoids confrontation with others at any cost. He agrees to prevent conflict and remain in his bubble of emotional comfort. He doesn’t speak his mind when challenged with an argument. He holds grudges instead of speaking his mind.
Don’t confuse people-pleasing with kindness. The latter is a free act of compassion and empathy mingled with an intention for putting out good in this world. It is a very conscious decision and available only to emotionally-mature people. The former is an act of defense and acceptance-seeking behavior. It’s a form of manipulation disguised as an act of benevolence.
A few symptoms to outline the “Nice Guy” syndrome specific to a relationship:
- He pretends to agree. Listening to someone’s opinion is a great skill to have. But agreeing just to comfort someone is a problem.
- He feels too responsible for how other people feel.
- He apologizes often, not only for his mistakes but for being who he is.
- He depends on external validation from others.
- He does favors to others without valuing his time. Helping people is good, but doing favors incessantly expends energy, leaving no time to himself.
- He gives infinite emotional support to anyone who asks. And if he can’t provide it now, he will make a promise to do so later.
- He tries to stay out of trouble, without taking risks, driving himself into his own bubble of comfort. That “forges” his attitude toward challenges.
Afraid of losing her, he submits and avoids conflict at all costs. Niceness is not only a strategy to cope with confrontation, but a result of conformist upbringing. A form of protection mechanism. Agreeing with everyone all the time eliminates any chance of facing aggression.
Behind “nice” he may guise the intention to get intimate with a girl. That’s his game! He will conceal his true intentions because it’s so hard for him to express his true feelings.
Don’t be afraid of enemies who attack you. Be afraid of the friends who flatter you. — Dale Carnegie
Who is a Bad Guy?
On the opposite side of the spectrum stands the Bad Guy!
They are so clearly depicted in romance novels. Women prefer bad boys for short flings, leaving good guys for long-term relationships.
A bad guy knows how to attract, he is fun, desirable and charming. He is also hard to trap into a relationship and has dozens of willing candidates!
He knows female psychology on a practical level. He is not necessarily exploitive, but is not very caring either. He might have integrity, be harsh but fair. Forthright, but playful.
These guys fall into the category of Mr. Right Now as Vinita Mehta Ph.D. states in her publications. Consciously women know those aren’t right guys. But biological imperative instigates the attraction and induces women to believe that players might stick around. A desire to obtain an attractive cad and turn him into an exclusive dad gets women in all kinds of trouble.
Who is a Good Guy?
A good guy possesses attractive traits of a bad boy guarded by conscious benevolence. A good of both worlds. He understands the shortcomings of both strategies and tries to adapt. He caters to women’s primitive desires and long-existing instincts while offering comfort.
A good guy can have various pasts. He could have been bad at some point but then matured. He could have been a player in the past, but now craving the stability of a relationship. He could have been popular among girls, but decided to pick one balloon rather than poking all.
A good guy communicates his desires and could be as exciting as a bad boy because he was the one in the past. He is the best of two worlds and the best candidate for a long-term relationship.
He is the manifestation of women’s desires – reliable, charming, and playful.
Finally
Women SETTLE for nice guys due to the scarcity of good guys.
Nice guys are usually emotionally unavailable and don’t open up. They guard their fragile ego loath to reveal it. In many cases they have been pushovers in the past and still carry it within.
Good guys are in great scarcity. True good guys, described above, are a fraction of all the available men. Be one!